Baby blues
by Beloved Radiance
Summary: The arrival of Tony and Ziva's little girl isn't quite as joyful as they had hoped


Eight months ago when they had announced that the size of their little family would be growing to three everyone had told them how much their lives were about to change. Tony thought that he had grasped that concept, understood the idea of sleepless nights, dirty diapers and endless crying and truthfully maybe he had, but understanding the idea and living through it were two totally different things.

Two weeks ago their little bundle of joy had made her way into the world, wailing and screaming the entire way and it felt as if she hadn't stopped since. She was a fussy little thing, letting her parents know immediately at the slightest discomfort. Ziva swore that she had inherited both Tony's need for attention and his whingeyness which in combination made for a very ill-content baby and two overwrought parents.

Tony couldn't decide whether he felt more guilty or relieved when his two weeks paternity leave was up and he was free to return to work, leaving Ziva at home. He loved his little girl in ways he never thought possible but dear God did he need some peace and quiet. Never would he have thought that a day filled with the tedium of desk work would have been so welcomed but at least it was quiet. But now it was time to go home and face the music, or rather crying in this case.

The moment he opened the car door and stepped out into the drive he could hear his darling daughter voicing her displeasure yet again and he seriously thought about turning tail and heading back to work. No, he was going to be a better father than his own and that meant doing the hard yards as well as the fun bits. He also wasn't going to leave Ziva without backup any longer, they were partners after all, just now in more sense than one.

He was nearly deafened the moment he opened the door and made a mental note to pocket a couple of sets of ear plugs from the firing range tomorrow. No sooner than his ears adjusted to the volume of the cries the source of the ear-piercing noise was unceremoniously thrust into his arms. He barely had time to notice the tear tracks making their way freely down his wife's face before she turned tail and retreated into the semi-quietness of their bedroom, closing the door forcefully behind her, which of course only added to the distress (and volume) of their little girl's cries.

He bounced her gently, making all the appropriate soothing noises and baby babble as he did. She was having none of it. He checked her diaper but found her both clean and dry. He tried her favourite plushy (a white bunny with fur soft enough to be real) but that was completely ignored. He was at his wits end and he had only been home ten minutes, how on earth had his wife dealt with this all day?

He ran his fingers gently up and down his little girls back, hoping that this might calm her down. As his fingers reached the back of her neck he felt something bobble out against his fingers which upon closer inspection turned out to be the tag of her jump suit. The second he pulled it out from against her skin the wailing stopped. It felt like he had gone deaf.

Having located the problem he changed her into another jumpsuit which had previously been received without displeasure and after another five minutes of bouncing and cooing the little siren was finally asleep and quiet, hopefully she would stay that way for more than five minutes. He loved her but he really needed to remember those earplugs. With one DiNozzo woman satisfied and calm that left one more to deal with and he honestly didn't know whether she would be any easier to soothe than their daughter.

Upon opening their bedroom door he got his first proper look at his wife since leaving this morning and instantaneously decided that guilt hands down trumped relief at being back at work. Ziva's hair was reverting back to its natural curls as various tendrils broke free from the messy bun into which it was scrunched. He couldn't see her face as she lay on their bed facing away from the door but the shudder of her shoulders with each exhale told him she was still crying.

He sat on the edge of the bed in the space left from where her feet were tucked up into her body and gently began running his hand up and down her thigh, as yet unsure as to whether this one of those times when she wanted comforted or one where she wanted space. His question was answered almost immediately as she sat bolt upright and threw herself into his arms. He could hear her mumbling something into his chest over and over again but could only make out enough to know that it wasn't English.

"Ani Mitzta'eret"

She kept mumbling over and over again into him.

"Why are you sorry, Ziva? You haven't done anything"

"I couldn't make her stop crying, all day; no matter what I did she wouldn't stop. I'm a terrible mother, Tony. I told you I would be; I told you I couldn't do this."

And with that she dissolved into another fit of sobs, burying her face once again into his chest. He should have seen this coming, Ziva had doubted herself all the way through the pregnancy and even before it when they had first discussed children. She was exhausted, still dealing with the horrendous flux of hormones through her body in addition to her natural tendency to get down on herself when she wasn't perfect. He cursed himself for not getting home sooner, for leaving her at all in fact.

"Sweetheart, look at me, please"

She meekly raised her head from his chest, tear tracks coating her face and moisture clinging to her eyelashes. He raised his hand to cup her cheek while his other hand continued its gentle ministrations up and down her back.

"It's not your fault, ok? It was just the tag on her jumpsuit annoying her, it was nothing you did ok?"

"I tried everything, Tony. I changed her, I fed her, I tried rocking her, holding her and nothing worked. It felt like she didn't want me. All day it felt like she just wanted you to come home. I should of thought of checking her clothes, why am I so useless at this, why didn't I think of that?"

"Shhh, it's ok. You're tired sweetheart, you've just had a baby, your body and your head are bit all over the place at the moment, you need to give yourself a break. Ok?"

"I just want to be good at this, she deserves to have a good mother and I don't think I can be that"

He didn't know how to get through to her right now, with the mess of hormones and self-doubt floating around her head on top of the sleep deprivation he didn't know how to make her stop hurting. Nothing he could say would take away what she was feeling and that left him feeling totally helpless. He would go to the ends of the earth for this woman, he already had. He had pulled her out of the clutches of death but right now, he didn't know if he could pull her out of herself. All he could do was hold her and keep telling her it would be okay, until maybe she would believe it too.


End file.
